🔊 The Anthem
Members Only

The Clubhouse

Four neighbours. One group chat. Zero successful first attempts at scheduling a pint.
Est. March 29, 2025  ·  Toronto, ON
The Executive Committee

Members

🪚
Tom
Founder · Carpenter-in-Chief · Rare Tea Sommelier · Clubhouse Landlord (technically)
🗑️
Bruce
Appliance Correspondent · Bin Wars Veteran · Google Reviews Kingmaker · Designated Planner
🏝️
James
Swift Pint Instigator · Perpetually in Barbados · Pocket Dial Specialist · MSG-to-8-Pack Pipeline
🎬
Liam
Newest Recruit · Shisha Provider · Melania Film Critic · "Whose wife is away?"
By the Numbers

Vital Statistics

47
times "pint" was mentioned
3
times someone was sick on pint day
2
urgent trips to Barbados
∞
messages to schedule one hangout
1
Melania documentary viewed
95
points (James Suckling) on Bruce's wine
A Recurring Theme

How to Schedule a Pint

Someone suggests "a cheeky pint"
↓
Is anyone available?
↓
NOMINALLY YES
↓
Propose 3 dates over 4 days of back-and-forth
↓
Does everyone agree on a date?
↓
MIRACULOUSLY YES
↓
Day of: Is anyone sick, in Barbados, doing renovations, or running errands?
↓
OBVIOUSLY
↓
Reschedule. Return to step 1.
↓ ↓ ↓
ONCE PER QUARTER, BY MIRACLE
↓
🍺 Actual pint occurs. "Great hang this evening :)"
Geopolitical Affairs

The Bin Wars

An ongoing territorial dispute between Bruce and his neighbour Ayel, documented in real-time by The Clubhouse intelligence community.

Pre-Clubhouse Era
Tensions Simmer
Ayel spreads his bins across all three driveway areas. Bruce seethes quietly.
Dec 15, 2025
The Driveway Summit
Bruce confronts Ayel mano a mano about parking in front of his driveway. Ayel was high and had lost his only car key. Surprisingly productive.
Dec 16, 2025
Bins Retreat
In a historic concession, Ayel moves bins toward his own house. Bruce photographs the evidence. "A battle won."
Dec 16, 2025
The Two-Driveway Solution
Liam drops a line for the ages: "The Israelis have finally accepted the Two-Driveway Solution." The Clubhouse Brain Trust celebrates.
Dec 17, 2025
Bin Laden
James shares a photo of a man laden with bins. Tom: "Oh some may say that guy was laden with the most bin." Nobody apologizes.
Cultural Affairs

The Melania Incident

On February 2, 2026, Tom purchased tickets to a screening of Melania: Twenty Days to History. What followed was the Clubhouse's finest hour of collective bit commitment.

I've already seen it twice. But so down to see it a third time.
— Liam, immediately
We need to arrive ATLEAST 45 mins early to secure front row seats. If you don't sit close to the screen you will miss all her micro facial adjustments and won't graspe the emotion of the film.
— Liam, escalating
I heard there's a teaser for the sequel where she teams up with Lyudmila Aleksandrovna Ocheretnaya.
— Tom, in too deep
I woke up weirdly inspired reflecting on Melania. I keep going over the line "be best, be better, better best" in my head. It really struck a chord with me. Helal said I was repeating it in my sleep.
— Liam, the morning after
Still processing that film. I liked the part where she wore that hat.
— Tom, absolutely committed
For the Record

Minutes from the Chat

So much room for activities!!!
— Bruce, on the founding of The Clubhouse
Appliances and NFL fantasy football are my only areas of expertise 😂
— Bruce, being humble (he also knows wine, bins, and neighbourhood diplomacy)
I'm afraid I'm in Barbados!
— James, for the second time
I've just devoured chinese buffet at 955 on Queen and think I need to convert all that MSG into an 8-pack.
— James, on fitness
Still feeling a bit insecure about how badly I got upstaged last time. Let me order blankets, a vintage tea pot and import some rare tea first… then I'll give hosting another chance.
— Liam, after Tom out-hosted him with rare sold-out tea and blankets
Whose wife is away?
— Liam, cutting to what really matters
🚨 I have a wife away situation next week
— Bruce, activating the protocol
Found a Russian site.
— Tom, on watching baseball
I was totally down for us sitting on cardboard boxes in a dusty room with poor lighting.
— James, on his (exceeded) expectations for the actual clubhouse
Annual Superlatives

Awards Ceremony

🏆
Most Likely to Cancel Due to Tropical Business
James
2 Barbados trips. 0 advance warnings. "Urgently for work."
🍽️
Appliance Guru / Google Reviews Kingmaker
Bruce
Miele auto-open dishwasher dissertations. "Bless them with your Googleness."
🔨
Most Renovations, Least Clubhouse Progress
Tom
Built basement shelves, survived a full renovation, still has a shed that needs work. Priorities.
🎭
Best Commitment to a Bit
The entire group
The Melania documentary saga. "Be best, be better, better best."
🤳
Most Pocket Dials & Deleted Messages
James
"Sorry pocket." Deleted photos in wrong group. Missed video calls. "Its so hard to type om this thing lol"
🦠
Most Creative Illness on Pint Night
Bruce (but really everyone takes turns)
Cold → norovirus → "uber eats ordering pepto bismal at 5am." Full recovery just in time to suggest the next pint.
☮️
Best One-Liner
Liam
"The Israelis have finally accepted the Two-Driveway Solution."
Lexicon

The Clubhouse Dictionary

swift onen.
A pint that is never swift. Often proposed at 4 PM, rescheduled three times, and eventually consumed two weeks later.
"Anyone interested in a swift pint?" — James, once a month, from various countries
cheeky pintn.
See: swift one. Interchangeable. Equally unlikely to occur on first attempt.
wife away situationn.
A rare atmospheric condition that enables Clubhouse activities. Must be reported to the group immediately with 🚨 prefix.
Barbadosproper n.
A place James goes "urgently for work" whenever a pint is successfully scheduled. The Bermuda Triangle of The Clubhouse social calendar.
the clubhousen.
1. A WhatsApp group chat. 2. A building in Tom's backyard that the group aspires to convert into a hangout but is currently full of renovation materials. 3. A state of mind.
carpenter moden.
Tom's polite way of declining a pint. Involves power tools and a self-imposed noise curfew. "I need my cuts to be straight 🥴"
955n.
Chinese buffet on Queen. $14-15. James's spiritual home. Origin of the MSG-to-8-pack pipeline.
Googlenessn.
Bruce's power to elevate or destroy a local business via Google Review. Wielded responsibly, but feared.